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5 Books I Wish I’d Never Read


We all have regrets in life – that thing we didn’t do, that thing we did do but shouldn’t have – and here are five of mine…

Yes, I am aware how well-thumbed my copy of J. D. Salinger’s Catcher In The Rye is for a book I wish I’d never read, but it isn’t through choice. It was my GCSE English exam text so it was read multiple times and is annotated throughout in every colour under the sun. (It is also full of random doodles and messages from my boyfriend of the time – generally informing me of how dull the book is!)

I didn’t hate it because I had to read it for school – I had to read quite a few things for school and this is the only one that I detested. The main character is whiney and fake and irritating and just ARGH! The only good thing about this book is the memories of being in school with my friends, all hating it together as a team.

Next up on my regrets list is…

Bedtime Stories: A Collection of Erotic Fairy Tales by Jean Johnson

This was a Smut Club read (one of the few that has lived up to our Book Club title!) and I don’t think there is a single member of the group that doesn’t regret it at least a little bit.

I did a full review at the time, but in summary: Nobody wants to read about frogs getting steamy with people, using the word ‘frothy’ instead of gay is really horrible, and saying ‘it’s okay, his penis wasn’t furry’ doesn’t make it not beastiality.

Bedtime Stories by Jean Johnson makes it onto my list of regrets mostly because I actually had vague hopes that it would be good – I like fairy tale twists and steamy romances! The Frog Prince, however, is not a fairy tale that wants to be steamy. Because ew. Frogs.

Book number three also made the list because of intense disappointment…

Blinky Bill by Dorothy Wall

One of my all time favourite movies EVER is Blinky Bill (and I am still sad that I can’t find it on DVD anywhere and have no way to play my old VHS) – it is funny and fun and the intricate real-life set of little wooden houses in the forest still blows my mind. I still find myself absent-mindedly singing the songs from it every now and then and I’ve not seen it in years.

And then there’s the book that it is based on, which opens with Blinky’s father getting shot and traumatised me from there on in. I have actually formed a total disconnect between the two things in my mind because after I finally read the (enormous!) book, I sort of hated Blinky a little bit, which made me sad.

Maybe it’s my ‘I don’t like classics’ thing, or maybe it’s because I saw the film first, but I really, really wish I’d never picked this book up.

Book number four is one anyone who follows me on social media, or has spoken to me in real life, in the last couple of months will be very aware of. I was not quiet in my ‘What In The Name Of Everything Is THIS?!’ ranting!!

Mirror Mirror by Gregory Maguire

It’s not often I get to the end of a book and have the desire to throw it on the nearest fire, but this one is lucky I didn’t ‘spill’ that candle on it.

Gregory Maguire may be the author of the internationally bestselling Wicked but I can categorically say that I will never ever be picking up another of his books after the misfortune of having to read Mirror Mirror.

Mostly because he has clearly never actually met a human female in his life (or even googled how they work, for that matter), has potentially never met a human male either from some descriptions, and because he thinks erotic encounters with unicorns are acceptable ‘reasons’ for the Huntsman in Snow White to not want to murder the 11 year old girl.

That wasn’t even the worst of it, but I’ve already rambled about it in my NEWTs post so I won’t repeat myself.

I am still cross about it all though. Just, urgh. No.

I’m taking a different tack for book number 5 on this list, I wish I had never read…

The Illuminae Files by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff because I would love to be able to discover it for the first time all over again.

The thrill of the unexpected book format, the shock of how powerful some style choices were, the unabashed sensation of falling in love with a formless AI with slightly murderous tendancies…

Truly one of the best reading experiences of my life, that I am sad I will never be able to have in quite the same way again. Nothing will ever be as good as how it ripped my heart out and thrust it into the vacuum of space, and I regret that I can’t rewind and do it all again for the first time.

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AM

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MERCIFUL?

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