An Explanation Of Sorts

That hole I said I was in, I am doing my best to climb back out of it, and I think I’m starting to feel more like I’m moving upwards rather than sitting at the bottom now.

But why was I in the hole in the first place?

Well life threw a lot at me all at once, coinciding with me trying to adjust to being off meds for the first time in forever which had me feeling a bit tired and overwhelmed and wobbly.

And then I was in a situation where things got said that hit some well buried buttons that I’d done my best to forget about and my brain space got catapulted back to somewhere like where I was about 13 or so years ago.

Which, if you were here back then, you might remember was not entirely all sunshine and roses.

The rational and present bit of my mind has been trying to keep it together, but the sad, scared, anxious girl that I’ve worked hard to not be anymore has been surfacing and it has been an active battle to not let those voices win.

I know I am in a place a million times better now, I know I’m happy with life, and that I’m capable and I have worth and a point.

But there’s still those old shadows in my head and they got stirred up unexpectedly when I was already feeling a little vulnerable, and so I struggled.

I am struggling a bit.

BUT.

I have actively taken some steps to help myself make space to let me breathe and regroup, and I am surrounded by awesome people who love me even when I’m being insufferably pitiful and having panic attacks over taking the dog for a walk because my brain is too loud.

And they keep reminding me that I can do all the things, and that even when everything feels rubbish, there’s shiny things everywhere to make you smile.

So I’m not okay, but I will be okay.

Soon.

*If you came here from Social Media, this was the lead line I gave you:

‘Don’t wanna let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Here in the darkness I know myself
Can’t break free until I let it go…’

Give yourself 10 house points if you know the song/artist. The song is one that pops to mind when I’m flailing – I don’t want to go back to being on the meds, I don’t like this brain noise, but I also really hate the utter numbness of feeling little to nothing at all.