Remembering the Beginning

It’s been nearly a year

since I closed my eyes

and listened to my heart.

It was bruised and battered,

a little shy and afraid of

getting hurt even more.

But it needed to feel again,

needed some excitement,

some freedom without guilt.

 

It needed you.

It needed you to ask

if I wanted to face

a cold December day

in a half-familiar city

drinking hot chocolate

with a friend-of-a-friend

whose smile made me melt.

 

 

To explore a market

full of Christmas cheer

that so far had been slighted

by a soul full of fear.

It took a bit of Glühwein

and some swallowing of pride,

to fall step by step beside you

and take hold of your hand.

 

 

I was still afraid but it was different –

It wasn’t fear that froze my heart.

It was fear that made me giggle

and open my mind.

I remembered who I was.

 

Sometimes it takes a nervous,

shy and tentative kiss

to break the chains of guilt.

I realised, suddenly,

what I needed –

what I wanted –

was this:

 

Spending time with someone

who made me laugh and forget

to be shy or embarrassed.

Someone who didn’t want me

to be an ideal something.

They didn’t expect anything in particular.

They just wanted me to be me.

 

I remembered who ‘me’ was.

It might not have been forever,

it could have ended there and then,

but it broke the hold of fear

and reminded me how to be brave.

I needed to be me,

for me and for Them.

I needed to be stronger and I needed to laugh.

A life without laughter is no life at all.

 

I remembered.

I remember.

It lasted.

We stayed.

We laugh.

We love.

We live.

 

Always.

05/12/2012

CHH