Depression · Life

Only Human

Trying to reorganise your life is tiring work.

I have spent a lot of time this month sorting, tidying and rearranging the flat and trying to get myself into a routine of keeping on top of the housework without it getting too much for me.

I’m getting there.

On top of that I’m trying to keep myself a bit more active – I’m aware that sitting around staring at screens half the day is no good for me either physical heath wise or mental health wise. So I’ve borrowed WiiFit off Liberty (because she’s started going out and doing actual real running instead of pretend running like me…) and am trying to remember to turn it on for a bit each day on top of trying to get outside at least once a day – even if it is just for two minutes to empty the bin.

I do feel better for it all, and I’m hoping that this slight shift in lifestyle will help me feel brighter and be less susceptible to my depressive episodes which are no fun for anyone. And it might get me back to a weight that isn’t ‘overweight’ for my height without any specific dieting. Maybe.

The only trouble is, right now, I’m tired. Very very very tired. I’m still adjusting to everything and the kids are both being handfuls and it’s dark and cold outside almost all the time so all I seem to want to do is sleep.

This is making me stressed because if I’m sleeping then I’m not doing housework, exercise, looking after the Smalls or keeping up with my reading or writing targets but if I don’t sleep then I’m too tired to do any of those effectively.

I’m struggling to find a balance that works and the thing that is suffering most is my writing. I’ve grown to hate sitting down to do it recently because I feel like I’m just doing it for the word count. I don’t want to do it for the word count, I want to do it because I love it. I am nearly done with the novel I started over November and I want it to be good, I want to relish writing the ending and completing the first draft. I want the ending to be enjoyable to do, not a slog to write X thousand words by the Friday after next or whatever. So, just for now, I’m giving myself a bit of a break – I’m still writing a bit every day but I’m not punishing myself if that bit is only 250 words. It will get done eventually, maybe not as quickly as I had hoped at the start of the year but it will be done.

Writing takes more energy than I sometimes give it credit for and, when I’m so exhausted from just trying to get through the day with two chaos machines to clear up after and feed etc, I just can’t do it the justice it deserves.

I hate it when I hate writing because writing is my favourite thing to do.

With that in mind I am going to stop trying to be Super Woman and try to remember that, right now, I don’t have the energy or time to do everything every day.

It’s not doing anyone any good.

One thought on “Only Human

  1. I know how you feel, at least as far as the winter depression goes. SADs (seasonal affective disorder) sucks. The best you can do is try to get as much sunshine as you can, even some bright lamps will help a little bit. Exercise can help your mood a little bit too. Getting your heart rate up releases endorphins that will make you feel better.

    Hope your writing goes better. 🙂

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