Depression · Life · mental health

Caution: Fragile


I’m not feeling at my best at the moment.

It’s been rumbling away in the background for a while and I have been doing my best to hold it off but this last couple of weeks it has caught up with me and I’m sinking.

I haven’t been sleeping well for a while – I’ve either had full on insomnia, super restless nights or nights spent dreaming that I’m awake then actually waking up every hour or so. Even when I spent 11 hours in bed on a night where the exhaustion was so bad I was actually sick, my FitBit reckoned I only managed about 6 hours sleep between all the thrashing about and bad dreams. And it is like that every night. I’m beyond exhausted.

I have less than no energy (probably partly to do with the lack of sleep) and even the most basic of tasks takes a mental pep-talk to get me through without just curling into a ball and going to sleep.

Everything seems too much, I’m grumpy, snappy and have no patience, I feel like someone ran me over with a truck and I feel like I’m just a waste of space and oxygen. I’m not particularly nice to be around sometimes at the moment.

Aware of all this building up, and feeling utterly sorry for myself, I decided to let myself have today off and drove to Telford straight after dropping the kids off at school. The idea was that I mooched around, maybe buy some new trousers to repair the ones that disintegrated on me the other day, get a few bits from Lush to cheer myself up and find somewhere for a nice lunch.

I did get to Lush and I bought a couple of bits from Primark (no trousers though) but then, whilst wandering through House of Fraser, my brain decided that it couldn’t cope and I had a full on panic attack and almost passed out. Luckily two lovely ladies spotted me, sat me on a chair, fed me a glass of water and a biscuit and stayed with me until I felt better.

It was horrible. I felt stupid and embarrassed and humiliated afterwards. I am very thankful that those ladies took the time out to look after me and make sure I was okay but I couldn’t even begin to tell you why I had a panic attack. I don’t have a clue. I think it was triggered by being somewhere unfamiliar but I can’t be sure, it’s all a bit of a blur.

I went for a bit of a walk outside after this to settle my nerves to a point I felt safe to drive, then I got back in the car and came home. I didn’t make it anywhere near lunch time and it didn’t particularly cheer me up.

Back at home I made the effort to put the episode behind me and decorated Tori’s bedroom with the wall stickers and framed picture that she got for Christmas. This did make me feel better but used up all the energy I had left so now I’m back to feeling wobbly and out of it.

  
Hopefully I’m going to get myself out of this funk and back to normal soon, I’m sick of it and I’m pretty sure everyone who has to put up with me every day is sick of it, too. Until then, please forgive me if I don’t seem myself when you see me out and about or if I’m moping online. I’m trying my best to hold it together but some days it’s just too much.

4 thoughts on “Caution: Fragile

  1. Anxiety is such a big hindrance on my life too I hate it. On a daily basis I force myself out of the front door and try to engage with people but fear I’m coming across as too desperate or false, alienating people even more which then works my brain into Mayday mode and sends palpitations and shortness of breath and all that jazz…
    I just don’t seem to work sociably, one of the reasons why I do a couple of hours in our local shop on Friday afternoons to help me socialise which has helped a little but as soon as I’ve finished my heads down and I’m rushing back to my car to get home questioning how other people do it and wondering whats wrong with me?
    I did go through a bout of insomnia and had the dreams of being awake if I did drift off like yourself however what I have found works for me is listening to my Audio CDs, I suppose its like somebody reading me a bedtime story (never did want to grow up). I’m listening to Steve Coogans autobiography at present which has 6 CDs but I have never got passed the first without falling asleep, not saying he’s boring 😴 he just has a nice relaxed voice.
    It was reading about your struggles with anxiety previously that originally struck a chord with me and pulled me out of a particularly bad day I was having which I’m grateful for so thank you for writing about it.
    Looking forward to some sunshine ☀😊

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