I am exhausted. Partly because I can’t sleep and when I do sleep I have terrifyingly vivid dreams and nightmares and partly because I currently panic over a stupid amount of things.
The panic varies from the type I can hide from people and push through to the type where I just cry and shake violently and can’t function or breathe.
Causes of this panic? Here’s a selection from the last few weeks:
- I couldn’t see the shop door
- I had to do the school run
- I had to drive the car
- I had to go into a shop I hadn’t been in before
- I had to speak to a shop assistant
- There were five bags of clean laundry that I hadn’t put away
- I had to think of something to make for tea
- I forgot to eat breakfast
Rationally, here and now, I can see a list of normal everyday non-scary things but at the time they seem like huge mountains riddled with monsters that I have to climb naked with my eyes closed.
Some of those things, like the school run, I have to face every day and getting through those means I have less fight in me to get through other things.
Anything that involves going into a potentially social situation by myself is terrifying. Even things I love like my exercise groups are too big and scary to face.
I hate it.
But I got brave and made that doctor’s appointment so hopefully soon things will get a bit better – even if he can just help solve the crazy dreams so I can sleep, I know things will be better. I get less frantic when I’m less tired.
I need to be less tired.