Today I went to see my doctor and we set up a six week plan to wean me off my anti-depressants.
The Duloxetine has been a game-changer for me. After the disaster that was my last round of Citalopram, I was resigned to the feeling that I’d have to be medicated forever.
Then I started Duloxetine and, once my body started responding to it, everything changed. Never before on medication had I felt actually ‘better’, like a normal person with normal mood swings and emotions and feelings. Like I could react to things rationally, have a bad day and get through it, like I used to do ‘Before’.
Previously I had only ever felt ‘less terrible’. At best I felt utterly numb which wasn’t necessarily any better than the feelings of depression but did at least curb any suicidal/self-harming tendencies and made life bearable.
For the last few months I have felt like me.
I will be slowly, slowly cutting down my dosage over six weeks and letting my brain and body adjust in its own time. If I need more time, I will work with the doctor and give myself that time.
It’s probably not going to be the most fun in the world but it is what I want and I know I’m not facing it alone.
I have my family and I have my friends, they have seen me through this far and I know they’ll see me through this as well.
I have my colouring books at the ready (they were lifesavers when I was coming off the Citalopram), I have heaps of books to read, I have jigsaws to do and puzzle books, I have got myself into a routine at the gym to keep my mind occupied and my body fit (and also tired!)
There’s no right or wrong way to do this, no instruction manual, because my mind and my body aren’t quite the same as anyone else’s.
I’ll find my way and I’ll more than likely share it here. Just in case it’s helpful for somebody else somewhere.